Saya skrg hamil 6 bulan setelah 4 tahun lebih menikah. Saya dan suami mulai cek ke dokter setelah 3 tahun mencoba hamil normal. Berikut tes-tes yang dokter kandungan (dokter pertama kami: Prof. Yong Eu Leong, NUH, ahli bayi tabung) berikan pada kami:

1. Tes darah dan hormon suami / istri. Dari tes ini, ketauan kalau progesteron saya rendah, jadi badan saya tidak merespon ovulasi dengan baik.

2. Tes andrologi / kondisi sperma suami.

3. USG u/ istri – untuk melihat apakah ada massa atau kista di dalam rahim yang bisa menyebabkan embrio sulit bertumbuh.

4. Pap smear dan swab test – sebenernya cek rutin aja, tapi sekalian dilihat apakah ada infeksi di vagina yang bisa mematikan sperma, dan apakah ada tanda2 abnormalitas di cervix.

5. HSG – tes ini u/ melihat kondisi falopian tube atau saluran indung telur. Cairan berwarna dimasukkan ke dalam rahim, lalu kita disuruh gerak2 supaya cairannya menyebar, lalu dilihat apakah cairan itu nembus sampai ke indung telur kiri-kanan. Bila saluran indung telur tersumbat, akan diusulkan untuk laparaskopi untuk membuka sumbatannya, atau langsung menjalankan proses IVF. HSG saya normal.

Semua tes di atas seingat saya biayanya nggak lebih dari S$1000 di NUH.

Tahap pertama: Pil hormon

Dari semua tes itu, kondisi kami berdua dianggap sehat dan karenanya saya hanya perlu menormalkan level progesteron. Saya disuruh minum Serophene / Clomid selama 5 hari setiap bulannya, lalu disuruh nyatet BBT (suhu badan basal, yaitu suhu badan ketika pertama kali melek pagi hari, sebelum bangun dari tempat tidur. Harus menggunakan termometer BBT khusus) tiap hari, dan ngecek ovulasi via urine test di rumah mulai hari ke-11.

Pil hormon berhasil membuat saya ovulasi normal, tapi jadwal business trip suami saya membuat kami sulit ngepasin jadwal, karenanya setelah 8 bulan mencoba pil hormon dan nggak hamil, kami mulai berpikir u/ inseminasi saja. Kami di-refer ke dr. Stephen Chew, spesialis IUI di NUH.

Tahap Kedua: Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI)

IUI adalah prosedur inseminasi paling sederhana yang hanya bisa dilakukan bila saluran indung telur tidak tersumbat, produksi sel telur dan sperma normal, dsb. Biasanya IUI dilakukan bagi mereka yang mengalami “unexplained infertility” – tidak ada masalah medis tapi nggak hamil-hamil, seperti saya. Prosesnya demikian:

- Saya melanjutkan minum Serophene (bisa juga diresepkan Femara) 5 hari per bulan

- Di hari ke-11 kalender mens saya, saya datang ke dokter u/ USG, dilihat apakah ukuran follicle dalam rahim saya sudah “mencapai target”. Kalau belum, saya disuruh datang besoknya (karena IUI bergantung pada jadwal ovulasi normal) sampai ukuran follicle mencapai target di USG. Setelah mencapai target, saya akan disuntik egg-releasing hormone 1x, lalu harus kembali u/ prosedur IUI dalam waktu antara (CMIIW) 18-24 jam setelah disuntik.

Jadi, misalnya, katakanlah saya disuntik jam 4 sore hari Kamis, saya sudah harus di-IUI  antara jam 10 pagi sampai 4 sore hari Jumat karena suntikan itu akan membuat saya ovulasi dalam 18-24 jam, timing nggak boleh meleset

Kembali ke contoh diatas, anggaplah kemudian saya dijadwal u/ IUI jam 12 siang di hari Jumat (20 jam sesudah disuntik). Suami saya akan dijadwalkan datang 2 jam sebelumnya (jam 10 pagi) u/ nyumbang sperma, lalu spermanya langsung di-wash, dan ketika saya datang jam 12 siang, sperma itu langsung dimasukkan ke rahim saya via kateter. Prosedur ini makan waktu hanya 5 menit, tidak sakit dan tidak pakai anestesi. Setelah itu saya pulang terserah mau ngapain – nggak perlu bed rest, nggak perlu diet, nggak perlu tiduran karena takut spermanya keluar lagi

Kalau, misalnya, suami nggak bisa nyumbang sperma yang fresh karena di luar kota atau sperm count-nya rendah, suami bisa “nyumbang” beberapa hari sebelumnya lalu di-freeze. Kalau sperm count rendah, mereka bisa “nyumbang” beberapa kali (jangan nyumbang lebih dari 1x per 3-4 hari u/ memastikan sperm count tiap kali nyumbang maksimal) lalu beberapa sampel sperma itu dijadikan satu pas proses inseminasinya.

KANS SUKSES IUI

Ketika pasangan tidak memiliki masalah medis apapun (seperti saya dan suami), chance IUI cukup tinggi – sekitar 30%. Selama pil hormon (Clomid/Serophene/Femara) yang diresepkan dosisnya pas (tidak terlalu tinggi), kemungkinan u/ dapat bayi multiples juga hanya 1% lebih besar dari kehamilan normal. Saya punya saudara yang dapat anak kembar 3 dari IUI, tapi itu kemungkinan besar karena dia minum pil progesteron dengan dosis terlalu tinggi (sebenernya ini bisa dihindari kalau rahim di-USG setelah obat diresepkan, u/ melihat reaksinya), atau dia disuntik egg-releasing hormone lebih dari 1x padahal sebetulnya nggak perlu.

IUI pertama saya gagal karena kombinasi sperm count yang termasuk normal tapi rendah (cuma 4 juta kalo ga salah, karena kita nggak “puasa” dulu sebelum suami nyumbang he he he …) plus timing inseminasi-nya agak meleset karena saya ovulasi di hari Minggu, ketika kliniknya tutup

IUI kedua sukses karena kali ini kami puasa 2 minggu, jadi sekali nyumbang suami saya bisa setor 30 juta sperma dan timing inseminasi-nya juga pas.

Kalau IUI sudah dilakukan selama 3-4 cycle dan belum hamil juga, pasangan akan dianjurkan u/ consider opsi lain seperti IVF.

COST / BENEFIT IUI

Banyak orang lebih aware tentang IVF daripada IUI, padahal kami melihat IUI jauh lebih menguntungkan daripada IVF:

- Cost lebih rendah. Satu cycle IUI kami harganya sekitar S$550 di NUH, sementara IVF bisa sekitar S$7000-10,000 per cycle di RS pemerintah, bisa sampai 2-3 kalinya di RS swasta.

- Prosedur jauh lebih sederhana. Nggak pake inseminasi di cawan petri lalu dimasukkan lewat laparaskopi ke rahim. Nggak bed rest, nggak diet, nggak bius. Nggak pake nyuntik hormon tiap hari di rumah. Nggak pake mood swings. Dan proses ini menggunakan cycle mens / ovulasi normal kita. Paling ya puasa seks seminggu gitu supaya sperm count suami tinggi pas nyumbang he he he

- Proses ini lebih natural. Keraguan kami yang terbesar terhadap IVF adalah karena kami akan “membuang” sel telur (mis: yang di-extract 8 sel telur, tapi yang dibuahi cuma 5, lalu yang dimasukkan ke rahim cuma 3). Secara agama dan psikologis, kami nggak mau dihadapkan pada pilihan ini. Lalu kalau misalnya bayinya ternyata jadi semua (mis: jadi kembar 4), kami sekali lagi akan dihadapkan pada pilihan u/ selective abortion u/ mengurangi resiko kehamilan terhadap Ibu dan meningkatkan harapan hidup bayi yang lain. Kalau sampai hal ini kejadian, kami nggak siap u/ “memilih” bayi mana yang “dimatikan”, tapi kami juga nggak mau dihadapkan pada resiko medis dari membesarkan 3-4 janin dengan kondisi badan saya yang kecil ini (saya sebelum hamil 155cm/46kg).

Semoga membantu, info lebih lengkap mengenai terapi hormon dan IUI bisa didapat di sini.

Waktu masih kecil, biasanya kita tahu lah kalo mereka bohong. Tapi, menurut riset yang sama, di usia 8 tahunan anak yang tidak diintervensi sudah MAHIR berbohong dan menutupi jejaknya.

Anak  saya sekarang umur 14 tahun, dan dia nggak kebal dari masalah bohong-membohongi ini. Dia termasuk yang jarang sekali bohong ketika masih anak, baru ketika mulai pra-remaja dia mulai coba2 berbohong – mungkin karena dipengaruhi teman2nya.

Tapi, untungnya, dia mulai berbohong di saat dimana dia sudah melewati pengajaran bertahun-tahun bahwa bohong itu tidak baik, jadi kalau ketahuan dia sadar bahwa dia salah dan dia menerima konsekuensinya dengan besar hati.

Kami pun masih terus belajar bagaimana caranya menanamkan bahwa bohong lebih banyak rugi daripada manfaatnya, tapi kami menemukan bahwa beberapa tips dibawah ini cukup efektif:

1. Ajarkan nilai-nilai truthfulness, honesty sejak kecil. Orang tua harus menyontohkan perilaku ini. Misalnya, ketika ada restoran yang memberikan kembalian terlalu banyak, kita kembalikan kelebihannya. Ketika anak saya terancam tidak ikut karyawisata karena saya lupa menandatangani surat izinnya, saya minta maaf dan berusaha menelpon gurunya u/ menjelaskan masalahnya daripada bilang, “Kamu sih, nggak ngingetin mami, kan kamu yang butuh!”

2. Jadikan orang tua teman-teman dekat anak anda teman anda. Ada beberapa kesempatan dimana kami realize anak kami bohong karena saya mengecek ke orang tua temannya, karena dia bilang dia pergi ke rumah temannya ini untuk bikin tugas kelompok. Ternyata mereka bilang anak mereka nggak di rumah juga – ngomongnya ke tempat saya u/ tugas kelompok jadi mereka tidak khawatir karena anak ini memang sering main ke rumah saya. Mulai lah ketauan bohongnya … dan setelah mengecek HP dua anak ini, ternyata dari 2 hari sebelumnya mereka memang menyusun rencana berbohong ini supaya bisa pergi LAN gaming sampai malam di hari biasa (dimana mereka tidak bisa main game di rumah atau pergi ke gaming center).

3. Beri hukuman yang melebihi benefit dari berbohong. Dengan berbohong di contoh kasus di nomor 2 itu, anak saya mendapat sedikit “benefit” yaitu bisa pergi LAN gaming selama kurang lebih 5 jam. Tapi sebagai hukumannya, papa-nya memberi konsekuensi dia nggak boleh main game selama 2 bulan. Ini berarti dia kehilangan 12 jam game per minggu selama 8 minggu = 96 jam, supaya dia realize bahwa berbohong jauh lebih banyak ruginya.

4. Jangan bosan ajarkan bahwa dalam kehidupan nyata, bohong pun sama saja akibatnya – enaknya sebentar, ruginya berlipat ganda. Kalau ada orang sekantor yang dipecat dan dipidana karena berbohong (e.g. mark up, korupsi, memfitnah bos-nya), ceritakan ini ke anak. Juga ajarkan anak untuk mengikuti berita seperti kasus Bernard Maddoff yang bisa menipu dan mengeduk uang kliennya beberapa tahun, tapi sekarang dipenjara 150 tahun. Dia dicerai istrinya dan satu anaknya bunuh diri karena depresi. Kekayaan dan asset-nya pun disita. Apakah membohongi orang dan menikmati uang mereka selama beberapa tahun worth it setelah ketahuan? Never.

5. Kaitkan ajaran agama anda dengan kehidupan nyata. Seringnya, susah mengajarkan nilai2 agama seperti kejujuran hanya berdasarkan pada nilai agama (mis: jangan bohong karena itu dosa). Kita terkesan old-style dan menggurui. Yang kita praktekkan di rumah adalah mengajarkan bahwa Tuhan mengajarkan nilai2 kebaikan, seperti berkata jujur, karena Tuhan tahu bahwa nilai2 ini lah yang akan membuat manusia dipercaya orang lain, sukses, bahagia, sejahtera, dan tidak mengumpulkan musuh.

Bisa berikan contoh2 ayat atau kisahnya – tapi selalu tarik ke aplikasinya hari ini, misalnya – kalo di Alkitab saya dari Mazmur 34:12-13 “Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies.” “Many good days” definisinya macam2 – bisa punya banyak teman, disegani, sukses dalam karier dan keluarga, diberi tanggung jawab dan kepercayaan yang besar, dsb. Dan kita bisa mengajarkan bahwa truthfulness dan honesty lah yang akan membuat “many good days” ini datang dan tinggal dengan kita, sementara kebohongan mungkin membuat hidup Bernard Maddoff (kembali ke contoh di nomor 4) enak, tapi semu dan sementara. Sekarang dia tidak punya teman, kehilangan keluarganya, tidak bisa menikmati hartanya, seumur hidup jadi kriminal, dan ketika mati tidak ada yang mengingat hal2 baik yang mungkin pernah dia lakukan.

6. Reinforce, reinforce, reinforce. Sama seperti kebanyakan peraturan lain yang perlu terus disosialisasikan secara berkala, jangan bosan mengulang value2 ini kepada anak ketika ada kesempatan. Setelah kejadian di contoh nomor 2, anak saya lumayan lama tidak bohong, tapi kira2 6 bulan kemudian ada kejadian lagi dimana dia “mencuri” waktu main game di jam tidur, dan ketahuannya setelah dia melaukan ini bbrp bulan. Pantes dia pagi gak pernah bisa bangun  dan di sekolah seringnya nggak memperhatikan lalu nilainya turun … lha wong malamnya tidur cuma 2-3 jam!

Sambil menunggu papanya pulang dari business trip sebelum kita “rapat keluarga” untuk memutuskan konsekuensi dari “pencurian game time” ini, saya menggunakan kesempatan ini untuk mengingatkan dia apa yang terjadi ketika terakhir dia kepergok berbohong. Buat dia ingat bahwa konsekuensi berbohong jauh melebihi benefit.

6. Ajarkan korelasi antara berbohong dan trust. Anak pra remaja / remaja sudah bisa diajari konsep ini, sementara anak kecil lebih ke sistem reward-punishment yang simpel (kalau kamu bohong, kamu grounded). Kembali ke kasus di nomor 2, selain anak saya kehilangan game time selama 2 bulan, tiap kali dia mau pergi ke mall bareng teman2nya (mis: karena temannya ultah dan mau nonton bareng), kita tanya filmnya mulai jam berapa (dan kita cek online, bener nggak jadwalnya demikian), lalu kita langsung jemput setelah film selesai dan kita mau lihat sobekan tiketnya – karena kita tidak membolehkan dia main di gaming center di mall2 dan kita ingin memastikan bahwa memang dia nonton film, bukan gaming.

Kita jelaskan bahwa saat ini, kita melakukan hal2 yang sepertinya keterlaluan ketatnya ini karena trust level is low dan dia harus berupaya dari awal lagi untuk win our trust. Anak perlu belajar bahwa ketika mereka berbohong, mereka merusak kepercayaan orang terhadap mereka. Akibatnya, orang2 ini (termasuk orang tuanya) mau tidak mau membuat aturan yang lebih ketat untuk memastikan bahwa mereka tidak dibohongi lagi.

Bedanya hanyalah orang tua akan memberi kesempatan bagi anak u/ belajar dari kesalahannya dan memberi maaf, sementara orang lain -di dunia nyata- banyak yang memilih untuk tidak memberi kesempatan kedua. Sekali ketahuan berbohong / menipu / cheating / plagiarize, konsekuensinya (kalau masih sekolah) bisa dikeluarkan dari sekolah atau tidak lulus subject tersebut. Kalau sudah kerja, sekali ketahuan bisa langsung jadi pengangguran.

7. Sampaikan bahwa anda melakukan ini karena anda care. Di awal dan akhir percakapan2 yang “nggak mengenakkan” ini, kita selalu sampaikan bahwa kami pun sebenernya nggak ingin sampai harus melakukan hal2 ini untuk make sure dia tidak berbohong lagi di kemudian hari. Jadi satpam anak bukan hal yang entertaining buat kami. Tapi ini lah tanggung jawab kami sebagai orang tua untuk mendidik anak dengan ethical values dan Godly characters. Kami melakukan ini karena kami care dan kami ingin anak2 kami menjadi orang-orang yang dipercaya, bertanggung jawab dan punya damai sejahtera.

Survei yang dilakukan oleh National Association of Secondary School Principals di AS membuktikan bahwa 80% anak tidak keberatan didisiplin oleh orang tuanya, dan mayoritas peserta survey yang diadakan oleh Howe & Strauss dalam bukunya Millenials Rising menyatakan bahwa walaupun di rumah ada banyak aturan, aturan2 tersebut fair. Jadi jangan takut mendisiplin anak karena takut relasi anda dengan anak memburuk – yang terjadi justru sebaliknya. Kalaupun anak anda belum bisa menghargai disiplin anda sekarang and suka ngambek, mereka akan menghargai didikan anda di kemudian hari, sama seperti saya sekarang sangat menghargai didikan orang tua saya dari kecil sampai saya umur 18 tahun

Anyhow, ceritanya begini. Kemarin saya operasi u/ angkat benjolan di leher. Operasi ini sederhana, cuma 30-40 menit, tapi saya mau benjolan ini diangkat secepatnya karena saya mulai bulan depan akan sering travel. Saya telpon Alexandra Hospital dan NUH – dua RS pemerintah yang biasanya saya satroni, dan saya baru bisa konsultasi dokter bedah umum 2 minggu, lalu u/ jadwal operasinya sendiri harus nunggu 2-3 minggu lagi. Saya nggak punya waktu segitu lamanya …

Well, anyhow, saya memutuskan u/ telpon Novena Surgery.  Saya bisa ketemu dokternya hari itu, mau dioperasi hari itu pun sebenernya bisa, kalo mau.

Di klinik ini layanannya bintang lima: staf-nya sangat helpful dan ramah, dokternya friendly, dan kamarnya sangat bersih dan mewah. Saya masuk kamar istirahat jam 12 siang, lalu dioperasi jam 12:30, jam 2 saya sadar dan sudah ada di kamar istirahat, lalu saya makan dan jam 4 saya pulang. Tagihan yang harus saya bayar u/ layanan selama 4 jam ini? S$4,200! Ini belum termasuk konsultasi follow up, buka jahitan, painkiller, dan biopsi.

Bandingkan ini dengan anak saya yang tahun lalu lengannya patah lalu saya bawa ke RS pemerintah (ke NUH). Dia di-xray sampai 4x, rawat inap semalam, diinfus, konsultasi dokter ortopedis 3x dalam 1 malam, dioperasi, digips, dikasi obat anti muntah dan painkiller. Biayanya? S$1200 saja, u/ prosedur yang jauh lebih rumit.

Dari kisah saya ini, saya menyimpulkan bahwa Anda sebaiknya menggunakan jasa RS Swasta Singapur HANYA BILA:

- Anda kelebihan duit

- Anda tidak punya waktu u/ menunggu beberapa hari/minggu untuk bisa konsultasi dokter di RS pemerintah

- Anda hanya ingin konsultasi dokter, tapi tindakannya tidak di Singapura (jadi cuma minta second opinion doang). Biaya konsultasi dokter swasta dan pemerintah tidak jauh berbeda. Misalnya: dokter kandungan saya di NUH biayanya $60-96, sementara di di RS swasta sekitar $70-110. Harga obat juga nggak beda jauh. Yang membuat biaya di RS swasta jauh lebih mahal adalah rawat inap dan tindakan medis seperti operasi, tes2 seperti x-ray atau biopsi, chemotherapy, dll.

Many parents find this an uncharted territory because they don’t grow up in the digital age. We didn’t either, but communication technology actually comes with measures to prevent inappropriate use, if we only know how to find and use them. So here’s some of the measures we have put in place for our child:

1. Check history on your child’s web browser. You can go to Safari, Firefox, or Internet Explorer (or any other browser), click “history” and see the list of websites your child visited. This is easiest, but at the same time also the simplest “footprints” for your child to erase. As well you can see which sites they have visited, but you cannot restrict their access to inappropriate or offensive content. Which brings me to my next two points:

2. Use parental control in the computer. Since I am a Mac user, I can say that all Mac computers come with built-in parental control that we can enable and customize depending on needs. For example, I block access to the computer during my son’s bed time, restrict access to inappropriate sites, and keep a log of all the websites my son visits, with an option to restrict or allow each one of them. He cannot trick this because the computer will continue to keep a log of the websites he visits even after his browser history is already cleared up.

Having said that, I don’t know if all computers come with built-in parental control, so the next solution is:

3. Install parental control software on the computer. Out of necessity (our kid is starting to show early signs of computer/game addiction), we decided to install a parental control software. His computer already comes with it, but there are additional features in the software (we use Content Barrier X5 from www.intego.com) that are not available in the computer itself. For example allows me to determine when he can use the computer each day (e.g. 2 hours max between 5pm to 9pm on weekdays – but the computer will log off between 7-8pm so he doesn’t forget to eat dinner. And the computer can’t be accessed on Tuesdays until 6pm because that’s his tennis day).

Content Barrier also keeps a screen shot at regular interval so I could see the look of the websites he visits. Other than that, it keeps track of keyboard movement so I could see if he is using appropriate language in his chats, or if he is being abused online.

Oh, come on … You don’t really have to be that strict!

I bet I started sounding too draconian by now. However, we do this out of necessity. Twelve months ago, there was no parental control whatsoever on his computer. We didn’t need to use it back then! We had the software, but told him that we will only install it if he gave us reasons to. After a string of game access while he was supposed to be in bed, dwindling grades, tendency to become anti-social, absolutely zero interest in anything but computer and games, plus a couple of visits to porn sites – plus many hard talks to no avail,  he really gave us no option but to put all the above measures to prevent him from being addicted to online activities, especially games and porn.

Other than that, would you rather sound a bit too draconian, or see your kid become a game addict or a victim of an online predator? I would prefer to monitor my kid’s online activities just like I ensure that he does his school work and chores, rather than see my kid not knowing the risk of addiction, predator and digital abuse, and then falling victim to one of those.

Research also proved that children who were given directions and boundaries on their online and computer use became much more responsible user of the internet once they’ve become an adult.

But when my children can’t access internet from their computer, they steal my computer!

Another thing you need to be alert for is when you have more than one computer in the house. We are a family of 3 with three laptops. The trick here is to enable parental control in every computer in the house. You don’t have to restrict access to any sites, but at least it will keep track of the web visits so you could see any irregularities. Through this we found out that just last night my son used my husband’s computer to play games while we were out.

These all sound good, but I don’t even know how to turn on the computer!

If the above measures sound too complicated to you, there are actually simple ways that you can implement in the house without being computer savvy:

• Keep the computer in an open space where parents can see the screen. Insist that the computer (esp. if it’s a laptop) should not be moved.
• Use shared computer instead of giving each kid a computer. This way they learn to share and won’t be able to hog the computer when their siblings need to do homework on it. There are downsides to this though, e.g. a lot of assignments may require typing, printing and online research … this may not be finished in 30-60 minutes and when you have more than 1 kid, this can be a challenge
• Tell to your kid that they need to add you in their Facebook / Twitter / whatever social networking site and chat programs they’re on. This way you can go to their Profile and check their online updates. What if they don’t want to add you? Oh, well, too bad … then they can’t go on Facebook from home. However, note that this is not a tamper-proof arrangement. The kids can have more than one Facebook account and only add you on the one they don’t use. You can curb this by doing name search on Facebook from time to time, who knows the exact same name in the exact same location with the exact same face appears
• Apply an open door policy. We have an open door policy at home, whereby the only time when door must be closed is when we are in the bathroom, changing or sleeping. Other than that .. be it we are doing homework, working from home, whatever … doors are open. Several months ago we started noticing that our son always closed his door when he was in his room (his computer is in his room, with the screen facing the door so we could monitor), which to us was a weird change. And, true enough, not long after that we found out that instead of doing homework, he was chatting with friends all evening and occasionally accessing internet porn. A serious chat about “open door policy”, being a responsible internet user, or losing his computer for good settled the matter.

I hope this helps … I can’t even start counting how many parents have shared with us their frustration on their inability to control their children when it comes to their online world. It doesn’t have to be like this, if you follow the above and all the general rules in my previous article. Happy trying!

We have a 13 year-old boy at home and understand how hard it can be, at times. But along the way we have also learned some tricks to get a better grasp of what our child is going through and ensure that he is not breaking the rules that we have set for him. Below are some of the things we are doing that are actually working:

1. Always discuss the expectations, perimeter and reward/punishment beforehand. With our son, for example, we agree with him that he will not have access to video and computer games during the week. And why. And if he misses a homework that week, he would lose his gaming privileges for the weekend. This way, when punishment needs to occur, it won’t be caused by some obscure reasons that the kid is not aware of. Many kids resent their parents because of punishment for “no reason”. What in fact happens many times is that the parents do have a reason to punish, however the rules are not clearly communicated beforehand. We have been blessed with the fact that when he is punished, he accepts it because he knew what got him into trouble to begin with.

2. Work with their teachers and school counselors. I have found my son’s teachers a great help in knowing some aspects of him that we wouldn’t otherwise know because we don’t know how he is at school. There were times when he’s got a zero in his homework / projects and said, “The whole class did it wrong, so everyone failed!” (excuse to not lose his games over the weekend) and upon inquiring about it to the teacher, apparently he simply did not submit that homework (he thus loses his games over the weekend).

There was also a time when we were not sure what he was interested in, other than games. Talking to his PE, music, and technology teacher as well as his home room teacher helped us discover that he is not musical and not into competitive sport, but very engaged in anything involving designing, building and programming. This way, we could start making plans for his future based on his strengths and weaknesses.

3. Get to know your kid’s friends. Some times we don’t know how troublesome, or awesome, our kid is until we see other kids his age. For this reason, I prefer my son to bring friends over to our house instead of having him go  to a friend’s place whose parents I don’t know, or whose parents both work and are not available to provide a level of supervision to the kids. By observing and talking to other kids at our place, I get a feel of how strict or lenient we are to our kid and if anything needs adjustment.

4. Be friends with your kid’s friends’ parents. I have a number of friends whose sons hang out with my son. Every now and then we call each other, or meet, to see if we are facing common issues with regards to our kids – and what we’re going to do about it. Recently I found a math tutor for my son through my son’s good friend’s mom. Another mom learned about parental control software from me. Parenting is not supposed to be a lonely task. It is much lighter when you share the burden with other parents.

5. Be consistent in applying the rules. Quite some times husband and wife are not consistent in enforcing the rules. We also fall into this mistake several times. Kids will see this inconsistency and would play one against each other, with the hope that the “softer” parent would have the upper hand. We try to prevent this by dividing the task: my husband is tasked with “introducing” the rules and reward/punishment system, while I’m the one enforcing the rules because I’m home a lot more. Whenever I have a problem in enforcing something (because, after all, my son is now 20cm taller than me and I am “just” the stepmother), my husband steps in and supports me. This way, he knows that not listening to me would only bring more trouble to himself.

6. Be wise in applying tough love and lenience. There was an occasion this week where our son was given a 6-7page reading/writing assignment and given a week to complete it. We repeatedly told him that he won’t be able to do that all in one day, and that he needed to do the write-ups in 3-4 different chunks so it doesn’t become a burdensome task. He chose to leave everything to the last day, thus spending six hours (and past midnight) sitting down to finish it. During that six hours he repeatedly begged us to help him, complained that he got a headache from having to edit his own work, and that he was too tired and sleepy and he would rather get up at 4am the next day to finish it. We could have stepped in to help him structure his thoughts, or given him some clues, or made him sleep and woke him up early the next day. We chose not to – a dose of tough love was needed here so he learned to manage his time better and pay a bit more attention to his parents’ suggestion next time.

On the other hand, I have also seen parents who assert too much control  on their kids – no play dates, tuition every single day, no pocket money, no taking public transport, … and for what? I can understand imposing such rules on young children … but teenagers? Come on … they will only resent you if you put such measure. We need to start letting go and let our kids learn decision-making, independence and being street-smart at this age.

We were utterly surprised one day when we realized that one of our son’s good friend did not know how to cross the road at an intersection. Several times he’s almost been hit by a car when he did that. And then he said, “I’ve only crossed the street using pedestrian bridge, or with accompany.”   There was also one boy that I know whom, at age 13, didn’t know his home address because he’s never taken taxi before. He’s always picked up, never had to go home alone other than going home from buying food across the street. He never needed to remember his address.  Some times, more control over our kids is not the best way to teach them to grow up and be responsible.

7. Don’t set a trap for them. I was so tempted to “set a trap” for my son last week. He just lost his gaming privileges for 2 months for some serious issues. However, we decided to let him go to see a movie with some friends. The problem was … there was an cyber game cafe right next to the cinema. I was planning to ask him for the movie ticket when he got home, to make sure that he was indeed in a movie theatre, without telling him first. Thank God I realized that this would be unfair to him – most people threw away their movie tickets and he would resent me for trying to set him up. After all, parenting is not about proving to your children that you’re smarter and sneakier than them.

So I asked my son which movie he was going to watch and what time would it start. I checked online to see if the movie did start at the time he mentioned (it did). Then I told him,

“You know you have done things in the past week that have made us wondered if we could really trust you.” (he said yes)

“Trust is earned, not given.” (he nodded)

“So until you prove to us that we could fully trust you, every time you go out with friends for a movie, we will need to see your movie ticket and you need to go home straight after the movie is over. If you go to a friend’s birthday party, we need to see the invitation and talk to their parents before letting you go” (he agreed)

“You know we hate doing all this cross-checking, right? This is extra job and extra stress for us, but it’s the only way for us to be able to give you a level of trust after what you’ve done. We do this because we care for you … we want people to respect and trust you” (he said he understood, and has been complying religiously since then)

Consistently applied, these seven principles will do wonders not only in applying discipline and a sense of responsibility, but also in preventing your kids from resenting you.

Please also check out the second part of this article: Monitoring your kids’ online activities (click here) for more specific ideas